Greetings from Dead City

"The City That Never Wakes"

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Location: Dead City, Florida, United States



* Homegrown Heroes *

The Bellamy Brothers

Laid-back, long-haired musicians best known for
"Let Your Love Flow", a hook-laden soft-rock
ditty that actually made the Top Ten in 1976.

Still mourning the death of a beloved
Old Hippy, the duo continue to draw
quite a crowd in Eastern Europe
and San Ann speakeasies.

Jim Courier

After going professional in 1988, Courier
claimed the French Open singles title in 1991.

A member of the US team that took the Davis Cup,
he won both Australian and French Open titles
the following year, enjoying a 25-match winning
streak which ultimately placed him in the pages
of People magazine as the World's Number 1 player.

Courier would again claim the Australian Open title
in 1993 before getting beat like a redheaded stepchild.

Jim "Mudcat" Grant

Born August 13, 1935, in the wilds of nearby Lacoochee,
Mudcat pitched for the Cleveland Indians, Minnesota Twins,
Los Angeles Dodgers, Montreal Expos, St. Louis Cardinals,
Oakland Athletics and Pittsburgh Pirates between 1958 and 1971.
He helped the Twins win the 1965 American League Pennant,
the Pirates win the 1970 National League Eastern Division and 1971 World Series
and the Athletics win the 1971 American League Western Division.

Gene Nelson

First signed to the New York Yankees in 1981
at the tender age of 20, Nelson was then
the youngest player in the major leagues.

Traded to Seattle in 1982, he was
soon drafted off their Triple-A roster
by the Chicago White Sox, which would
use him as a setup man and spot starter.

The A's acquired Nelson in 1986
after Chicago manager Tony LaRussa
took over at Oakland. The team won
Games Two and Three of the 1988 LCS
with scoreless relief.

He went on to pitch well in Oakland’s
two World Series defeats in 1988 and '90,
giving up only one run in 11 innings before
surrendering six runs in his only inning
during Oakland’s 1989 World Series victory.


* Shop & Stroll *

Whether you're looking for antiques,
auto parts, collectibles, dusty hardware,
tacky brick-a-brack, or chintzy, overpriced
housewares masquerading as antiques,
Dade City offers plenty of places to browse
to your heart's content, especially if one is
particularly fond of chintzy, overpriced
housewares masquerading as antiques.


* Eateries *

A Matter of Taste

Offering a surprisingly cosmopolitan blend of Cuban and Greek favorites, signature sandwiches and sometimes spotty service, this long-established luncheon hotspot delivers what is perhaps the city's most consistently satisfying grub.

Lunch on Limoges

Deservedly famous downtown institution serves namby-pamby, hoity-toity salads, sandwiches and killer desserts for antique-shopping, red-hatted old biddies and others who prefer flavored coffees over filterless smokes.

Olga's Bakery

Recently rejuvenated and under new management, Olga's is again in top form, specializing in a variety of homemade baked sweet stuff and one of the best darned roast beef & swiss sammies we've ever inhaled.

Be sure to leave room for the breadsticks!

River Road Smokehouse

The city's newest addition is a welcome one: an oak-burning barbecue joint cooking up succulent pulled pork slathered in sweet Sonny's sauce.

Throw in an ear of corn and some french fried taters and you've got a nap in the making.

Tropical Breeze Cafe

A small, family-run eatery nestled among downtown's restaurant row,

Tropical Breeze offers a delicious assortment of sandwiches and dinner plates with a decidely Latin accent.


* Watering Holes *

The Abbey Road Tavern

Located just west of Dade City and
across from Saint Leo University on State Road 52,
the Abbey Road Tavern provides plenty of liquor,
a smattering of domestic drafts, a utopian perch,
a shitty golf course and delicious cullinary staples
courtesy of the always impressive Chef George.

Kafe Kokopelli

Housed in a converted old auto shop
in the heart of downtown proper,
fine dining, imported drafts and a full bar
help Kafe Kokopelli keep locals and day-trippers alike
drunk, stuffed and happy as a porcine in excrement.

The Osceola Tavern

Historic, three-story establishment
on the outskirts of downtown Dade City
offers a bevy of exotic and imported beers,
live entertainment and oodles of genuine,
tobacco-laden, old-time ambience.


* Musical Mainstays *

Dennis Devine

Educator, web visionary and master musician.

Freight Train Annie

Rhythm & blues combo fronted by Annie Spanger,
longtime area scene-maker and social butterfly.

Murphy's Law

Local residents Bruce Neely, Frank Murphy, Mitch Martin and Scott Weeks impress with sweet & spicy sets of smokin' blues.

Skinny McGee & His Mayhem Makers

Winter Haven-based rockabilly trio whose multi-talented lead guitarist, Mark Hannah (right), remains one of Dade City's most recognizable native artists and all-around eccentrics.


* Finer Points *


Refurbished a few years back,
the old depot now houses selected artifacts
from the area's more glorious past.

The Edwinola

This historic, grand hotel was retooled into a popular upscale restaurant in the mid-70s prior to taking on its unfortunate present incarnation as a retirement center in the mid-80s.

It is rumored that besotten ghosts sometimes bedevil the odd codger between midnight and last call.

Pasco Twin Theater

A local institution since 1948,
the old theater served as both
meeting place and entertainment
for three generations of residents
before being hastily razed in 1999
to make way for yet another f*cking bank.

Shame, shame: We know your name.

Pioneer Florida Museum

Enjoying a leisurely walk among the old buildings, housewares and farm implements utilized by the area's earliest settlers, visitors may catch themselves reminiscing about that wonderful bygone era when men were men and worked for a living, women knew their place and the colored folk always did what they was told.


Finally, a place for local youngsters to get together for fun,
exercise and group enrichment.

Of course, the city commission finally put a stop to such nonsense,
citing lack of supervision, an inadequate site and subpar equipment.

And whose fault was this?

The tightwad commission's, of course, which refused to properly
fund the thing from the get-go.

So who's up for a little snipe-tipping after school?


While many have sought to rename Lock Street
(the main drag through this impoverished hispanic
ghetto in the northwest corner of town)
Calle de Milagros, or "Street of Miracles,"
others have resisted, pointing out that the
pioneering Lock family served as longtime
supporters of the largely migrant community
and deserves to retain the designation.

Despite some $20 million worth of infrastructure
improvements that have been poured into the area,
the true miracle may be making the neighborhood
safe for anyone other than truants, prostitutes,
lowriding desperados and rockheads.


Who the devil needs all those pesky local businesses uglying up the quaint, oak-covered streets when one can enjoy the thrifty, modern conveniences of shopping at a multinational big-box retailer that not only brings down the median wage, but serves two flavors of delicious Icee?


* Familiar Faces *

Dale Caparaso

Hot-Headed Pasco High Football Coach

William G. Dayton

Eccentric Historian

Jan Glidewell

Libertine Journalist

Michael G. Rom

Intellectual Educator


* Area Events *

Cruise-In Car Show

Taking over the middle of downtown the first Saturday of every month, Dade City's popular Cruise-In offers auto enthusiasts of all stripes the chance to peruse classic machines, grab a bite of greasy grub and keep the kids up way past bedtime.

More fun and a lot cheaper than a your typical parking garage.

Little Everglades Steeplechase

Every spring a certain breed of area resident

flocks to this highfalutin dog & pony show

to flaunt their Sunday brims, imbibe of fancy liquors

and enjoy yet another excuse to publicly groom,

sniff and buss each other's perfumed, well-to-do bungholes.

Pricey and often uncomfortably hot,

personally we'd rather eat catshit.

Will McLean Festival

Annual, weekend-long get-together at the rural Sertoma Youth Ranch
northwest of town features a bevy of Florida-based folk musicians,
open containers and the occasional sample of a friendly neigbor's homegrown smokey treat.


* Public Personae *

P. Hutchison Brock


Ginny Brown-Waite

Representative for Florida's Fifth Congressional District

Kurt Browning

Florida's Secretary of State

Harold Sample

City Manager

Camille Hernandez

Resident Harpy


* Founding Fathers *

Dade City Cemetery